Just “Because”

11 May

Blog post by Betsy L., Team Moldova 2011

I have always been told that I was a great writer. Sometimes encouraged to “be a writer” and more often volunteered to do the things that required writing. Being able to express myself well on paper started in early grade school with a pink diary and heart-shaped lock. As my faith developed and my years increased, the diary matured from a list of my daily events into a prayer request to my Lord. 

As is the case with most personal reflection, the more lean the content, the happier I was, and as expected,  grew more intensive as I entered the valleys. About a month ago I decided to go to Moldova. I made this decision from within the deepest valley I have yet to experience. I could not put words to it, but I knew I wanted to do it. In my deepest valley I signed up for a mission trip and a couple of weeks later I was asked to write down, “why?” For weeks I pondered, and all I could think up was “because!” As witty as that sounds, it is more likely a response from the girl with a pink diary and heart-shaped lock than a 25-year-old who is surrendering to God, feeling closer to Him than ever, in the darkest of days.

I am a confidant writer, so why do I have nothing to say?  This blog post proved much more difficult than one might imagine for a person who is, self-proclaimed, good at writing: Why am I going to Moldova? Write about your “journey”. What do you expect to gain, what do you think will impact you?  Although the thoughts were of great volume, the ability to get them out of my head onto paper was lacking. Having to sum up my journey, proclaim my faith in a matter of lines, is something that makes me clam up. Literally, sweaty palms, teary eyes, stomping feet, full on pouting. For a moment I thought I should just go find the pink diary. But instead, I will say what’s on my heart. Not because its witty, not because it explains why I am here, but because there are no words impactful enough to describe my God, there are no words I can find to describe my answer. I am going to Moldova…. because.

There is nothing witty about falling flat on your face in front of Jesus. And it is difficult to put in to words the moment you realize your faith journey may be in need of a serious re-adjustment. As I read Todd Phillips describe how most people use the Bible, I felt myself get nervous. “…many of us have turned the Bible into a self-help program rather than a lifelong process of self-denial.” Nervous, like the moment your stomach rolls because you know that your lie has been uncovered. Nervous, because you are elated to be free from the chains that once held you down, but have no idea what this new freedom means.

A month ago I could have told you I was going on a mission trip, but not until last week could I have even begun to tell you why. Moving beyond my “because!” shield, I can now express that I am going to Moldova to start a journey of moving past using the bible as my personal self-help book. (Although it has turned my life around, it took more than 6 easy steps…) I am ready to live for something more than the bible app on my iPad, the Christian radio in my nice car, the accolades I get for my work at the local homeless shelter, and the designer jeans I wear to my Sunday services. I realize that, “the only option [I] have for profound change is to re-engage in the Word of God and then do what it says.”

Moldova starts the doing.

Betsy L. will be serving on the Moldova Journey 117 Team leaving in June 2011.

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